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Thinking too much lately? Not really. Thinking deeply? Probably.

November 25, 2007

As the title suggests, I’ve been doing a little soul searching hoping to find clues about things and sorting out thoughts. I’ve been mentally labeling what I hate, find annoying, tolerate, and like. There are mini categories in between those four, but I won’t go into details. It’s too troublesome, and quite frankly, I find it a waste of time to explain it to people who probably won’t understand anyway.

There are many things that annoy me; some more than others obviously. Still, there’s one thing that annoys me above else. I don’t know if they’re deliberately lying to me and themselves, are trying to convince me it’s true, or if they really believe it. Either way, it’s foolish and stupid, and I won’t stand for it. I will get angry.

If I say that’s what I am, then most likely that’s what I am. I don’t lie unnecessarily; not all the time. When it comes to this, there is no reason for me to lie. I know I’m being vague. Most of my friends won’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but that doesn’t really matter. I’m a secretive person by nature so it shouldn’t be a surprise that even my personal blog remains a mystery to strangers and friends alike.

A lot of people seem to get the wrong impression of me. I am what you see and don’t see. Don’t think too much about it. That’s just me. I’m a series of half truths, clashing morals, terms and traits combined into one. Everyone is to some extent.

I deceive everyone at one point or another. You can be my best friend, but you’ve probably been lied to. However, when anyone asks for my opinion, I’ll almost always be honest unless it goes against one of my plans. I don’t think anyone really cares to delve too deeply into that.

Although completely unrelated, I don’t think I can truly care for any person. I’ve realized that for a long time, but have been observing myself and my reactions for the past few years. It’s true. I’ve either somehow lost my ability to care or have never truly cared to begin with. It’s one or the other; it doesn’t make a difference which one it is. I’m just naturally detached that way. I’ve been trying to teach myself to care about people–humans, but its turned out to be an impossible quest. Strangely enough, I really do love fauna and flora. I’m very attached to nature. Anyway, I’ve accepted that as a part of myself for as long as I can remember. It seems the only person I can truly care for and love is the one I will fall in love with.

But you know, I wonder if my mind will be accepting of another person–individual to become my other half as it did in the past. I think I would like to feel that warmth again. Even the pain is welcome; someone to move my cold still heart. Even a few ripples will do once it has melted. My heart has been frozen for a long long time.

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